i was not a problem child... until i was at my late twenties. i was dependable, independent.. i was always given task to look after my small sisters. we played rumah-rumah and i would always be the father. we played rounders (a kampung version of baseball) and i had no qualm diving in the mud, or looking for the ball in bushes and drains. i sprained my ankle once when i fell of the rambutan tree. my treasured moments were having lunch under rambutan trees during musim buah, washing up in the nearby river when there were water interruptions, listening to ghost stories told by my dad. i remember my best friend, Shida. God knows where she is now, but i hope and pray she is well and happy.

at school, i never had bf. crush, a lot, but i was happy being single. i dont think i was weird, but yeah i was a bit different from other girls.  i hate make-ups and never bother about what fashionable and what not. i wore mis-match baju kurung (e.g. green top and blue skirt), i hung out with boys at the boy's hostel. i remember sneaking out of the hostel with the boys to have supper at mee bandung's restaurant not far from our hostels. i remember studying at the back balcony facing the village.. and how the boys were angry at us for 'playing' at the balcony.

i guess the is a part of me who rebel against consistencies, laws and orders; who strive to be different from others; who revels in being Me - me who is not dictated by others.... which loosely translated into a hard headed person at my mid twenties...

now, at early thirties, i look back at my childhood, teenage-hood, and adulthood... the transformation was overwhelming... noone knew whats gonna happen..  and this really scare the hell out of me, when i look at my son.. the future is something that both fascinate and frighten me. as much as the rumble of elephants running amok in my tummy when i think of the future, it also bring excitement of the unknown.

i guess i must continue to persevere and guide him as best as i could to be a good man. he is a lovely boy, a bit spoilt.. but whose child isn't? this is the time for them to be children.. and nature will provide the lesson of growing up..

Have you ever had a day where everything just went all wrong?
yesterday was the day.

it all happened just as we were about to leave little boy's kindy. the car wont start. papa tried several time but to no avail. he went to check what was wrong.. it's the distributor thingy at the carburator. the spark plaques were sooty black - an indication that there was too much fuel in the air:fuel ratio (this is what papa explained).. since i couldnt reach the office on time i texted my colleague and told her that i would be late because the car broke down, and she acknowledged it. we walked to our usual breakfast hang out and had our breakfast.

we walked back to our house to get the scooter. it was a looooooooooooooong walk. i was planning to rest a bit before going to the office in the afternoon. while i was idling away, nursing my sore foot, the phone rang. it was my boss. she scolded me for not supervising the printing of the report. i was taken aback. i told her i did tell the printer that i need all of 11 copies to be printed double sided. she plainly said, i dont care. get it fix. today.

my mood, which was very much dented by the morning fiasco, went further down the drain. i texted papa and told him i need to get to the office pronto. poor papa, he was so tired with the long walk (we are both on the heavy side and leading a very sedantary life :p).. he rushed me to the office. i took a look at the report and immediately consumed with anger. i gave a call to the printer and told them in a very business-no-nonsense-dont-give-me-shit voice that i was very disappointed with their service and further informed them that i will not pay a singel cent for such a soddy workmanship.

we took the original copies and rushed to a printing shop nearby daniel's kindy. thennnnnnnnnn.... on our way to the printing shop, the scooter sputtered and died... in front of socso building.. we ran out of gas *whack head*  i wondered loudly: what more can go wrong after this?.... papa haven't withdraw the money... so i had to walk again to greentown mall to get the bucks.. again... looooooong line at the atm machine. what more can i do? ..... after getting the money, i walked back to papa and we filled in the gas. RM22.90 for 8.49 liter. :-s sheeessss

papa sent me to the printing shop, then off to get the mechanic to fix the car. this time i stayed and supervised the printing, only after i was satisfied that i left the shop for a glass of cooling apple + asam at a nearby restaurant. things went good afterward. i got the copies all ready and paid. papa got his car fixed, i took the scooter back home and dozed off for a while.. then papa came and picked me up for dinner ... we were thinking of somewhere with good food  but ended up at KFC cos we're too hungry :p

it was a day to remember.. all for the wrong reasons :(

i want to do some makeover for my little boy's room. any idea? i shortlisted few themes:
1. Blue, red, white nautical theme - complete with painting of anchors and drawings of ships
2. dual tone - black@dark blue/white - stripe horizontal/vertical
3. transport/traffic - like in pic #2

Here we are

In this damp cold room

Encroached only by

The sound of our breathing

 

You are that stranger

I’d dreamt of

All these years

Though my eyes are open

I am still dreaming of you

 

I am not strong enough

To tame the rampant pain

In my heart

But I have managed so far

 

So now we meet again

Is this how I measure my strength?

Against the silence that

Is your voice

The vacuum between us

Thicken with untold feelings

Vapors around our heart

Embalming dreams unrealized

The song that rip my hearts in pieces

Floats around us

 

Here we are

Don’t break my heart again

I have aged too much

The past years when you were gone

Fragile like newborn phoenix

Reborn every time I burnt

I don’t think I can endure

The recurring mending of bleeding heart

 

Here we are

Please, just go away…

Cold room

Drip, drip

Trickle down

the mossy wall

 

Empty room

Echo, echo

Heartbeat twanged

            Across the vacuum

 

Dark room

Blind, blind

Sullen draperies

            Over broken window

 

Water drips

            Tears

Echoed sigh

            Whispers

Ominous blanket

            Hopelessness

Tell me where you going

Carrying heavy heart

Like a trophy

Behind frozen veil

That was your smile

 

Will you take my hand?

It is not much to ask

Mayhap it brings warmth

To thaw the ice

Around your eyes

 

Always

Always you turn away

When I come near you

 

Will you let me hold you?

The me who always want to be there for you

Feel the river of light

That flows underneath my skin

In my throbbing vein

eager to pour in your shadowy heart

 

Always

Always you turn away

When I call your name

 

How long

How long you want to hold on to

The mossy tomb of your

Failure

Like a trophy in your icy heart

 

Will you not let me glow

In the fissure of what was left

Of your heart?

 

Will you not live

And love again?

I hear you sigh

The sound of it makes me weeps

For it speaks of weariness

of a soul

Long beset with despair

That resides in that tiny space

That was your heart

Long wasted, lain barren

A dusty, throbbing ruby

 

The sky shed blue tears

Down, down, down

They fall and fill

The hollow on your chest

That was your heart

Long departed when it broke

Into tiny pieces

Glistening dew on the tips of wet grasses

 

I hear your breath

The sound of it breaks my heart

For it laments the lost of what

Once was a happy home

Enchanted stars fluttered around

Benign shy smiles full of fondness

Under the sunlight

It housed hopes so bright

 

Fall

Down, down

Deep

In the crevice of memories

Sighs and breaths

Weary heart

 

Rest while, my dear

For the sun will smile again

Though bereft of home

Love will endure

Under the sunlit capricious sky

last sunday wanna have roti canai at Bunga Raya, when we bumped into Liza and the loves of her life :p so end up going to Hamidia which is just 3 shops away from Bunga Raya. Afya looking dandy, so i took a couple of pics of her

i am size 16 now *cringe* 7 years ago i was 12 but motherhood changed me not only emotionally, but physically too. size 16 is not something that is found in abundant in petite-society in Malaysia, specially Ipoh where the beauty of the women is legendary. of course whe talking about beauty it is all encompassing the physical features which include anything from size 0 to 10 (12 is borderline). for years i have been Scarlet Plus loyal customer. it is affordable and comes in many fashion. but Scarlet Plus in Ipoh does not have many choice :( and the colors most of the time dont suit my brown-tanned skin.
googles for some ideas on plus size fashion and found these gorgeous from Roamans, Evans, Beigeplus, Avenue,